You might believe, wrongly, that the universe is out to get you when it's 6.45 am on Saturday morning, still nighttime really, and you have struggled downstairs with one of two huge piles of washing. You're making an early start to catch up on the week's accumulated chores. You load the washing machine, set the programme and press the On switch. Thirty seconds later the machine starts to grind and squeal. Red lights flash. The tub stops turning and your sheets and towels sit there, waterlogged and motionless.
The engineer is coming on Tuesday.
A therapeutic phone call to a friend at 9.00 am helped. So did a sunny morning after several grey days, a trip into town and new lingerie bought with a Christmas gift token.
....
The temporary job finishes next week. I've been more than glad to have it, but the goal of permanent part-time work is still elusive. The spectre of financial insecurity has started to make himself at home.
So I fall back on those other, smaller, ways of grounding myself which are suddenly no longer just a luxury. Making commitments. Lighting candles (£1 for 50 nightlights) around the home, taking care of the physical self and its surroundings, creating a structure when life isn't supplying one, eating properly (more or less), meditation. Especially meditation.
....
The only real answer though is to let go. To cry over the piles of dirty washing and the worry and the paralysing fear of doing the wrong thing. And then to listen.
I can wash some things by hand. A contact has requested a head massage. There's enough money in the bank for today, this week, this year. And I try to move forward in the understanding that real growth and real progress are sometimes more about considering the lilies - or snowdrops - than measuring miles covered or items ticked on a To Do list.
Waiting is an art form, someone I knew used to say. I think he was right.
9 comments:
If the physical self and one's surroundings are good, then the other stuff will come good too.
Hang in there m.
Hope all goes well with the tub repair.
I'm so glad I've found you again, and so sorry to hear of your trials. Hugs. tarakuanyin
our washing machine broke recently too! Itsgoodto ground yourself with candles. Hope you find a good permanent job soon
Thank you all for the empathy with my mini-meltdown. The engineer is due in a couple of hours....
HHB: Your words always, always help. I'm glad you're still around.
TKY: Hugs back to you. Welcome.
CGP: Thanks for the reminder that I'm not alone ...:-)
Good luck with the work, MM. I know how unsettling it can feel to just rely on faith and hope and getting by. Things like this seem to have their own peculiar timing (even with astrology, I could never have seen the turns my life has taken in the past couple of years). Enjoy the moment, especially the ducks. :-)
our dryer did exactly like your washing machine a couple of weeks ago. there we were with wet laundry inside it and nothing happening to dry it! hubby fixed it after 4-5 days of searching out information and then investigating it, taking the machine apart! by the time he fnished i had 5 loads of clothes waiting to be washed!
taking care of the physical self is very important and meditation is always calming. i need to do more yoga - it is so healing for me. the breath always matters - it can repair us in all ways.
one day i realized how much of my life had been spent worrying about financial issues which had always worked out for me, one way or the other. i had never been floating in extra cash, but my bills eventually got paid. finally i was debt free. all those hours of worry which likely added up to days and perhaps even weeks were lost forever, much to my chagrin.
you are right - waiting, the patience in waiting, is a skill. it can truly save our emotional lives...and perhaps our physical lives, too. and, think about all the moments of real living it can give us which would otherwise be lost.
Leslee: I know you've been there. Thanks for the encouragment. And at heart I am an optimist ...
Sky: Thank you as always. The reminder about yoga is a good one, I've been neglecting my classes these dark evenings and I need to start again.
Patience can and does save our emotional lives - such a powerful way of putting it.
Hugs. Our washing machine did the same thing. Maybe it's an appliance conspiracy.
I know. It's scary hard.
xoxoxo
Dale, thank you. The hugs always help.
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