Becalmed

Waiting for work.

I walk by the river and across the fields. I take photos. I knit. I meet up with friends in town for coffee and a sandwich. I shop for groceries. Latterly I wrap presents and write Christmas cards. My attention span has shrivelled this past year so - sadly perhaps - reading isn't on the agenda. An inward, reflective time nonetheless.

There is at least one job interview in the offing so the period of quiet is unlikely to last. I've needed it; the actual move was in a way the easy part, the emotional and mental assimilation of the new life in new surroundings is taking much longer. My longtime friend and mentor, J, who knows about these things told me to allow three years. OK, I said at the time, not really understanding what he meant.

A few months ago I had my second Saturn Return. As a new cyberfriend, an astrologer, wrote in a recent email.

...Perhaps one of the joys of being past one's Second Saturn Return is a renewed appreciation of the small things in life.

Yes. There is also an - unfamiliar - degree of acceptance, a letting go of a few of the multitude of expectations. A willingness to let life unfold, to let my niche here reveal itself in its own time rather than frantically running around looking for it. I've been reflecting on love as well. The idea of falling in love again is frightening, yet I think I would take the risk if the opportunity arose. Can I let that come to me? Or not. A fantasy perhaps .....

Next year I'd like to be more active in environmental work and maybe take an evening class. Get a car and do some exploring further afield. Today, though, with the approach of winter, I've cut back the roses and the lavender bush and started a compost heap. That's enough.

....

Years ago I was pointed in the direction of the Cavafy poem, Ithaka.

Keep Ithaka always in your mind.
Arriving there is what you're destined for.
But don't hurry the journey at all.
Better if it lasts for years,
so you're old by the time you reach the island,
wealthy with all you've gained on the way,
not expecting Ithaka to make you rich.

Ithaka gave you the marvelous journey.
Without her you wouldn't have set out.
She has nothing left to give you now.

And if you find her poor, Ithaka won't have fooled you.
Wise as you will have become, so full of experience,
you'll have understood by then what these Ithakas mean.

The complete poem can be found here.